Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 218
Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.
Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.
It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.
One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.