Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 23
Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, ‘Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.’
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.<br /> Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.
You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel…. oh, nevermind.
An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie. I liked it at the time, but I don’t really want to see it again. Especially if the movie was kind of… a bitch.
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants.
By the way, everything I say is wrong; I'm a complete hypocrite. I've dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that's gross. Get it fixed girls, you're not even a real woman.
I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.
I had a very Italian house - the “plastic furniture you couldn’t sit on” house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it’s traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one’s ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.
We want to recognize that it is the end of the show without really saying it. But we'll satisfy the audience's desire for a little heart.
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.