Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 23
I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.
Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.<br /> Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.
Everyday I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes, I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shawties. Then I like to go on Reddit. Reddit is great because it has all the important links. Wikipedia! Mankind’s greatest invention. You can learn about anything. Take Ray J for example. We all know he’s a singer, he’s Brandy’s brother, and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian. But did you also know he’s Snoop Dog’s cousin and he was in the 96th Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks?! Suddenly, you’re on the Mars Attacks page. I love gChat, you can talk to anybody! I hit up brad.pitt. It wasn’t the actor. It was actually a guy named Brad that’s a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don’t have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit. Emojis are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, ‘What up, boo?’ you can type ‘What up’ and then a cute little ghost because that means boo. There’s even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist. But the Asian guy also has a racist hat on. And it’s like, hold up didn’t Japanese people invent this?! Podcasts! They’re a million of them and they’re all amazing! Jean Ralphio and I have one called Nacho Average Podcast where we rate different kinds of nachos.
We want to recognize that it is the end of the show without really saying it. But we'll satisfy the audience's desire for a little heart.
Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
The other night I had the lonely bug so I went to this bar. I saw this beautiful girl there. I'm thinking, "She's alone, I'm alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?" So I walk over, I'm walking, I'm wearing clogs. And I notice she has a black eye, she has a shiner. I'm thinking, "Great. She doesn't listen." So two McNuggets, three beers, and 50 dollars later we're back at my house doing it doggy style. Not that I planned on it, that’s just how she passed out. Thank you slow gas leak.