Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 22

Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

I’ve got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I’m the only person who ever tried that.

You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.

When I was on vacation in Africa, I went out in the country. Where you see some lions and shit. I'm talking about real lions, not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. Hey, lion, motherfucker.

When I hear 'yee-haw!', that scare the shit outta me. Cuz I know what come next. Y'all remember? Y'all's ancestors used to hang us for kicks? ..Muthafuckin on the weekend, hot, couldn't get no pussy? 'Let's go down to the jail, get a couple of them black ones and just string 'em up. ..yeehaww..' ..When I hear that, shit crawl all up and down my neck.

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo... it'll scare the hell out of them.'

?If a mutha fucka call you a crackhead for 20 years, Bitch you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"

The scrotum - a design fault, excess elbow skin put in between mens legs to keep their balls so they don't have to hold them in their hand. although it didn't work!

It seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, ‘cause my wife was going to leave my ass. I say, “Not in this motherfucker you ain’t. Uh-uh. If you leave me you be drivin’ them Hush Puppies you got on. ‘Cause I’m goin’ kill this motherfucker here.”

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”