Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 22
I used to eat there all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said 'Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.'
I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.
Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer.
It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.
My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, ‘Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.’
My sister would've liked to have been a comic. She had an act that she would do for me sometimes. But of course, she didn't become a standup comedian because she's kind of a big talker. Doesn't do a whole lot of the things she says she will. Like go to the moon. The truth is if she had done it, she would be so fucking famous right now. Her act was simply a stream of obscenities and giggling. Can you imagine? A retarded chick just standing on stage swearing and giggling?