Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 22
In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? Are you out of your mind? Swimming - you mean that thing you instinctively do before you die?
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
One of his favorite racist jokes he can't tell anymore, because too many people didn't get it. It starts with him confessing that he's used the term "sand nigger," then adding that he's never said it about someone from the Middle East. "When I use it," he says, "it's 'Get off the sand, nigger, volleyball is a white man's game!'"
They never want to hang out with us. You're like, 'Come on y'all, let's go hang out.' They're like, 'No, you know, we can't hang out. You know, we're going to stay here with the kids tonight. Yeah, you know, they're a lot of work, but they're worth it. Maybe next week we can go hang out or something - What? Oh, you're going on vacation next week. Well isn't that nice? That's just nice. Where you going, where you going? Jamaica! Wooo! Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, you know, we started to go last year, but Bobby needed braces. Yeah - Bobby, smile and show them Jamaica, baby, go ahead - see? We're right on the beach.'
I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.
I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.
When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species… They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, “Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ‘em. It’s okay. Hey, are you still readin’ this?”
I had a friend whose gotten so many DUIs that he had to go to jail for a year. Now, his only concern was getting raped. For the entire year, he didn't take a shower.
I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.