Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 22
Guns don’t kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C'mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I'm like, I'm just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says 'One Cock at a Time.'
Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead!
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
They never want to hang out with us. You're like, 'Come on y'all, let's go hang out.' They're like, 'No, you know, we can't hang out. You know, we're going to stay here with the kids tonight. Yeah, you know, they're a lot of work, but they're worth it. Maybe next week we can go hang out or something - What? Oh, you're going on vacation next week. Well isn't that nice? That's just nice. Where you going, where you going? Jamaica! Wooo! Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, you know, we started to go last year, but Bobby needed braces. Yeah - Bobby, smile and show them Jamaica, baby, go ahead - see? We're right on the beach.'
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ - I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’
I think we should legalize marijuana in this country… so potheads don’t have anything to talk about anymore. Grow up and do coke like an adult!
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.
What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daughter to the circus. She said: "Daddy, how do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?" I said: It's easy, they nail his feet to the pedals and they beat the shit out of him. He's not riding, he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike.