Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 24

Its too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here.

Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abraham Lincoln lookin' motherfucker.

When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does! What can you do that's longer?

My ex-girlfriend have a lot of like really annoying habits, you know I think the worst was she love to read women’s magazines like Cosmo or things like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz, and not only would she present that to me, as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together, even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them, so we’d get the best score.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

I'm like anyone else on the planet; I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, those little kids starving and very depressed. I watch these things on TV and I see those commercials. And I look at it and I think, 'God how cruel, to see a little kid out there.' And I go, 'Fuck, I know the film crew could give this kid a sandwich.' You know that kid's not out there filming a letter from home with a Betamax. You know there's a director five feet away going, 'Don't feed him yet. Get that sandwich out of here. Doesn't work unless he looks hungry.'

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn’t make me cooler. And a lot of you are like ‘that’s cause you were homeschooled’.

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

Fuck all of you, and fuck the Liberty Bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass.

I had a friend whose gotten so many DUIs that he had to go to jail for a year. Now, his only concern was getting raped. For the entire year, he didn't take a shower.