Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 24

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, 'Oh, it's fake.' But it's not about whether the guy wins or loses, it's about how he entertains you the whole time you're watching.

I wanted to be a general manager. I wanted to kind of run the show, wanted to get out there and get into the nuts and bolts of finding the talent and trying to coordinate putting the club together and doing the scouting part of it and go through the whole thing.

Another time we watched this morose, spiky-haired open miker do his entire set laying down on the stage. I guess it was his way of saying, "Fuck standup." From his supine position he mostly did dumb puns. After a couple of minutes my sister turned to me and threw her hands in the air, "I don't get it!"

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.

The other night I had the lonely bug so I went to this bar. I saw this beautiful girl there. I'm thinking, "She's alone, I'm alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?" So I walk over, I'm walking, I'm wearing clogs. And I notice she has a black eye, she has a shiner. I'm thinking, "Great. She doesn't listen." So two McNuggets, three beers, and 50 dollars later we're back at my house doing it doggy style. Not that I planned on it, that’s just how she passed out. Thank you slow gas leak.

Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!

Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

We just bought this house. It's too big. It's like 400,000 square feet, or something. We got an indoor lake and ski slope in the house! It's just too big.