Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 24
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
What if you dove in the pool and while you where on the bottom freaking out some body poured oil on the surface and lit it on fire! Yeah and then you're like Oh, Oh, Oh! You got to keep swimming around feeling for a spot where there's no fire! Then what if you find a circle where there's no fire and the second you come up a big dude just punched you in the face! "Get back in the fiery water! You don't come out of the fiery water! Cover up that whole with more fire now! Get back in the fiery water!"
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.
I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species… They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, “Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ‘em. It’s okay. Hey, are you still readin’ this?”
It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy."
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.
It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'
You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.
I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…” The next week, I think, people are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn't work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.”