Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 25
Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.
Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."
I wanted to be a general manager. I wanted to kind of run the show, wanted to get out there and get into the nuts and bolts of finding the talent and trying to coordinate putting the club together and doing the scouting part of it and go through the whole thing.
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
When my mother would make me sandwiches for school - zucchini and eggs, pepper and eggs, everything was with eggs - the oil would drip out of the bag. She didn't care if I lost the sandwich - she wanted that brown bag back. She used to give me artichoke sandwiches. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to sit in the schoolyard eating an artichoke with a piece of bread. A lot of kids didn't know what it was, they'd say, "Look at that guy eating flowers!"
Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible.
Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.
We just bought this house. It's too big. It's like 400,000 square feet, or something. We got an indoor lake and ski slope in the house! It's just too big.
It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- "Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.
The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. "I don't want people not taking me serious." Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.