Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 25
Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."
I wanted to be a general manager. I wanted to kind of run the show, wanted to get out there and get into the nuts and bolts of finding the talent and trying to coordinate putting the club together and doing the scouting part of it and go through the whole thing.
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.
The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
We just bought this house. It's too big. It's like 400,000 square feet, or something. We got an indoor lake and ski slope in the house! It's just too big.
It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- "Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.
When my mother would make me sandwiches for school - zucchini and eggs, pepper and eggs, everything was with eggs - the oil would drip out of the bag. She didn't care if I lost the sandwich - she wanted that brown bag back. She used to give me artichoke sandwiches. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to sit in the schoolyard eating an artichoke with a piece of bread. A lot of kids didn't know what it was, they'd say, "Look at that guy eating flowers!"
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.