Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 25
My girlfriend said, "Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need!" So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
Eating fast food is like murdering hitchhikers. As long as you only do it every once in a while, it will never catch up with you. If the word “nugget” is anywhere on your menu, I won’t eat at your restaurant. For me, mcdonald’s is just an emergency bathroom in over 119 countries. A hamburger shouldn’t cost 99 cents. Eating right is expensive, but what you spend on organic food, you save on new underwear.
Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.
I wanted to be a general manager. I wanted to kind of run the show, wanted to get out there and get into the nuts and bolts of finding the talent and trying to coordinate putting the club together and doing the scouting part of it and go through the whole thing.
When my mother would make me sandwiches for school - zucchini and eggs, pepper and eggs, everything was with eggs - the oil would drip out of the bag. She didn't care if I lost the sandwich - she wanted that brown bag back. She used to give me artichoke sandwiches. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to sit in the schoolyard eating an artichoke with a piece of bread. A lot of kids didn't know what it was, they'd say, "Look at that guy eating flowers!"
I went to a place recently I think is one of the most fucked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape shit with it.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.
Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.
By the way, everything I say is wrong; I'm a complete hypocrite. I've dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that's gross. Get it fixed girls, you're not even a real woman.