Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 246
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
The whole thing is if the dog’s in the room with you during sex and you don’t know he’s there. And you’re going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You’re scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something.
I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.
I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.