Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 246

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.

The whole thing is if the dog’s in the room with you during sex and you don’t know he’s there. And you’re going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You’re scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something.

My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"