Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 246
Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.
Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
I was sent to the principal's office for copying...they heard my Minolta running. The principal said 'Emo, Emo, Emo.' I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!' He said, "do you know I could have you expelled?' I said 'yes, but you'll have to eat me first.'
I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.
I try to make my bed every day for mental health. Coming home to an unmade bed or a room with clothes all over will depress me.