Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 246
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.
I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."
I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.