Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 246

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

I was sent to the principal's office for copying...they heard my Minolta running. The principal said 'Emo, Emo, Emo.' I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!' He said, "do you know I could have you expelled?' I said 'yes, but you'll have to eat me first.'

And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.

My father was a doctor.

I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.

Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!

Is it weird that when your wife’s giving you oral sex, that you go "We're going to make a mouth baby!"

Relaxation is the absence of worry.

And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.

Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.

I try to make my bed every day for mental health. Coming home to an unmade bed or a room with clothes all over will depress me.

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.