Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245
I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?
Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!
Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.
Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but... I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars."
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
As rewarding as a good film role can be, there is just nothing like getting up on a stage and taking an audience for a ride. You make a movie, and the audience may not see it for another 10 months. Here, you know immediately their reaction.