Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.

Ain't nobody get fired, they went in another direction.

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.