Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.

I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."

What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

I try to make my bed every day for mental health. Coming home to an unmade bed or a room with clothes all over will depress me.

Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, 'Oh yeah, that's not true. That didn't happen.'

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.

James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.