Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have no idea what they're saying.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"
There’s so many board games with so many different titles, but I feel like they could all have the same title: ‘Which One Of My Friends Is A Competitive Prick?’
"You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.
How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.
And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in dunkin' doughnuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.