Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.
Peter Hyams - and these are his words, it sounds a little self-serving, sharing them from me - his suggestion was that Gabriel and I could lend a credibility, acting-wise, to an otherwise big, sloppy studio action film.
I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
Honestly, it’s my experience that most people that totally suck at something think they are awesome. And a lot of people who think they suck are actually awesome.
Is it weird that when your wife’s giving you oral sex, that you go "We're going to make a mouth baby!"
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.
Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.
I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her.