Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 245
To be known by the public, honestly. People come up and tell them how good I make them feel.
I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.
Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"
It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, "I'm really good at checkers". That's the same thing as saying, "I'm not good at very many things."
Everyone has seen their dad's penis. Yes, you have. Don't do this to me, New York. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. You have seen your dad's penis. Oh, right. Raise your hands if you've seen your dad's penis. You are fucking lying to me! How am I, as a British person, the least repressed human being in this room?!
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.