Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 247

Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I offend everybody.

Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres."

Honesty buys you nothing at all in this school.

Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.

You ever see people breath be so bad you can see the words coming out of their mouth? You be standing there talking - 'Yeah, I can see what you're talking about.'