Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 247
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.
When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!
Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?
Latinos are black, white, brown, beige. What does that say about our ancestors? We'll sleep with anybody!
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
They found two birds in Whitestone, Queens that were infected with the virus. Who finds these birds? I grew up in Queens. We used to find dead birds all the time. We didn't take them in for autopsies. We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their fucking window, am I right?