Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 247
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
I try to make my bed every day for mental health. Coming home to an unmade bed or a room with clothes all over will depress me.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.
You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
What’s wrong about eating cows? What do you think god made them for? Their big, their stupid, their delicious. You want more reasons? I never met an animal more prepared to die than a cow. Next time you go to the farm look at a cow in the eyes, it is begging you for a bullet.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’
Some of us will never ever find true love. Take, for instance me. And I'm pretty sure that guy right there. And that lady with the sideburns. And basically everybody at table nine.