Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 247
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’
When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.
They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...
The whole thing is if the dog’s in the room with you during sex and you don’t know he’s there. And you’re going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You’re scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."