Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 258
The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show...
My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like "Mom did you read this?"
I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.