Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 258

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.

I know how to get sisters. I got 30 years practicing that. All you got to do is go to the club and say, 'I got that rent money.'

But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did.

I can hear my mother now: 'What? Oh, you gonna get a divorce? It's just that easy, huh? Things get hard, things get rough - you just want to throw in the towel, just like that. Let me tell you something, that's a bunch of bull. Let me tell you something - your father and I had a shoot out, OK? He took one in the arm - Harry, show her where I shot you - now, see that's love right there. You gotta learn how to work these things out. He was wrong, I shot him - you move on.'

My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their fucking window, am I right?

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.

I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass and send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.