Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 258
I was in Mexico, and I see how these people operate. They're not stupid. Did you know that in Cabo San Lucas, there is actually a Home Depot? I swear to God. Then I went inside the Home Depot, but there was nothing inside, completely empty. It was just a fa ade. And then I looked outside, and there were Mexicans standing out front - but there was nothing inside, but they were outside. And then I realized: it's a training facility!
People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
My sister loves dirty comedy. She'll laugh hysterically at every foul word, every titillating premise, every fart noise and every faggot impression. It will come as no surprise then, when I tell you that her favorite comic is Janeane Garofalo. She thinks she's really cool. Her favorite movie moment of all time is that scene in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" when Janeane's character, on roller skates, is pulled down the street by a couple of dogs. Regardless of where you are on the whole alternative comedy debate, you gotta admit, that shit was funny.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
There is always one person in the office that you want to whip their ass! If you don't know who it is, it is probably you.
If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, who cares? I'm too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, with the car I just stole! Now, this is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for pussies!
That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!
I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass and send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.
When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.
If a man calls me a nigger, he is calling me something I am not. The nigger exists only in his own mind; therefore his mind is the nigger. I must feel sorry for such a man.