Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 258

Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

Sorry I’m not better looking.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.

As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

I know some of you got upset when I called that woman a cunt, but someone steals over a thousand dollars from me I call ‘em what the fuck I want.

I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.