Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 257
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
That's sort of a silly question. Day 15 is too soon, but Day 16 is all right?
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
I know how to get sisters. I got 30 years practicing that. All you got to do is go to the club and say, 'I got that rent money.'
I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas.
I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.
I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.
I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.