Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 257
If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.
They found two birds in Whitestone, Queens that were infected with the virus. Who finds these birds? I grew up in Queens. We used to find dead birds all the time. We didn't take them in for autopsies. We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid.
I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.
I can hear my mother now: 'What? Oh, you gonna get a divorce? It's just that easy, huh? Things get hard, things get rough - you just want to throw in the towel, just like that. Let me tell you something, that's a bunch of bull. Let me tell you something - your father and I had a shoot out, OK? He took one in the arm - Harry, show her where I shot you - now, see that's love right there. You gotta learn how to work these things out. He was wrong, I shot him - you move on.'
Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.
I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their fucking window, am I right?
It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.
I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes.
That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!