Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 257

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show...

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.

My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, "How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask."