Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 257

My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren’t even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, “Psshhh!” And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, “What?”

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Is milk good or bad?... I rest my case. You don't know. You don't know anymore, and a lot of you are sitting there thinking "Fuck, I'm an adult and I don't need to drink that shit anymore!"

If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.

My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.