Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 259

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah. These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.

New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off. But she forgot she has no bra on, and so she just ran in the back. And the cashier looks at me and goes, 'That'll be an extra two bucks.'

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?

I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.

I started a big part of my career in Vegas.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.

How could instantly improved vision not be at the top of your TO DO list?

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.