Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 259
The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.
I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.
Most of the time I live with my pain. I have pain but I won't show it around. I think that's the nobility of the character. There's something noble in not spewing on people all the time about your problems. I'm the light guy, so I identified.
Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
I know how to get sisters. I got 30 years practicing that. All you got to do is go to the club and say, 'I got that rent money.'
What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? I'm gonna let y'all know right now before I start, I'm stupid for real. OK? This is not an act. This is the way I act, alright, so don't think I'm pretending.
Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas.