Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 259

Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big fucking difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

Yeah I've been booed before, but I'll be booed again.

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.