Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 265
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'
What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.
Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
I don't know what to tell a brother without no future. What do you tell him? What do you say on the phone? Keep your head up and your ass down.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'
I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time, she's like, 'This looks like Birmingham, Alabama.' And I'm like, 'Shut up, Britney Spears.' And she's like, 'Quit calling me Britney Spears.' And I'm like, 'No one talks to The Rock like that, bitch!' Which is really funny because I don't have a girlfriend. That was just some lady on the bus - she did not smell what I was cooking.