Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 265
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.
Here's a guy that when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.
Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.
If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.
I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’
Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.
Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?