Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 265

Here’s a guy who when he runs, he goes faster.

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.

I consider myself a modern-day dad, where I still got rock'n'roll in me, but yet I take being a parent and relationships very seriously in life. I'm tired of the image of the father as a fat, beer-chugging, stupid guy. That image has to change. I'm changing it, baby, one city at a time.

I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.

Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.

Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages and they collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we’ve thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I’ll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, “Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!” (eats it) “This tastes like crap”’ And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer’s patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I’ve never seen it before. “Candy corn,” I think. “Corn that tastes like candy. I can’t wait.” (eats it) “SON OF A BITCH!”

As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'

Some men see things as they are and ask why. I dream things that never were, get distracted, then go out for pancakes.

It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.