Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 266

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Don't want to go down to Alabama. It's hot down there - slave heat. It was like 98 degrees at three in the morning. I was like, Alabama must got their own sun. I was hiding from the sun like it was the police.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!

You just dumb, son. You just dumb.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Made the beat then murdered it. Casey Anthony.

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.