Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 266
Keep it real by being straight forward. Don't pull no punches on people. It's better to tell somebody than just lollygag around, letting them think they're living their life the right way. Because some people don't know what the hell they're doing, they don't know if they're living the right way or making the right decisions. Some people don't know that.
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.
Parents are trying to be friends with their kids rather than draw the line and tell them what proper public behavior would be.
Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.
New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off. But she forgot she has no bra on, and so she just ran in the back. And the cashier looks at me and goes, 'That'll be an extra two bucks.'
Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.