Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 266

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

You give a white kid some napkins and duck sauce, they'll make a bomb.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

You have to hold your hand out, cuz the steam makes you angry. Try to bring your hand in, "ooh! I hate steam! Whoever invented steam sucks!"

Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. I invented that.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.

Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!