Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 266

I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'

That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?

It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

I don't know what to tell a brother without no future. What do you tell him? What do you say on the phone? Keep your head up and your ass down.

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.

As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'