Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 266

It's weird, when you buy a house you just suddenly become really conservative. Before, when I rented, I didn't give a shit if there was a homeless guy jerking off on the street. I thought it was funny. 'Look at that guy right outside my window! Who needs cable when that guys sitting there rubbin' one out? Look at the lady runnin'!' It was great. But once you buy... every fuckin' little thing. 'Ahhh there's a pothole down the street that needs to be covered!'

Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like the motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would’ve come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****, bale this cotton!’ I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!’”...<br /> The first dude who got off the boat said that shit. <br /> “Bale that cotton!”<br /> “Fuck you motherfucker!”<br /> [crack of a whip]<br /> The other motherfuckers said, “We’ll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.”

In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show...

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.

Keep it real by being straight forward. Don't pull no punches on people. It's better to tell somebody than just lollygag around, letting them think they're living their life the right way. Because some people don't know what the hell they're doing, they don't know if they're living the right way or making the right decisions. Some people don't know that.

We can choose our family. We can’t choose our relatives.

I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...