Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 266
New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off. But she forgot she has no bra on, and so she just ran in the back. And the cashier looks at me and goes, 'That'll be an extra two bucks.'
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!
The government scares me. They're taking my picture at the stop sign. They're looking through my shoes at the airport. They're worried about gay people getting married, locking up potheads, having congressional investigations because of Janet Jackson's tit. You're better off committing murder or rape because those things you can get away with.
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.
When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.