Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 264
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.
I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time, she's like, 'This looks like Birmingham, Alabama.' And I'm like, 'Shut up, Britney Spears.' And she's like, 'Quit calling me Britney Spears.' And I'm like, 'No one talks to The Rock like that, bitch!' Which is really funny because I don't have a girlfriend. That was just some lady on the bus - she did not smell what I was cooking.
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'
I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like the motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would’ve come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****, bale this cotton!’ I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!’”...<br /> The first dude who got off the boat said that shit. <br /> “Bale that cotton!”<br /> “Fuck you motherfucker!”<br /> [crack of a whip]<br /> The other motherfuckers said, “We’ll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.”
When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.