Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 264

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. It ain’t like the motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would’ve come up and say, ‘Ay, yo, n*****, bale this cotton!’ I would say, ‘Suck my dick, massa!’”...<br /> The first dude who got off the boat said that shit. <br /> “Bale that cotton!”<br /> “Fuck you motherfucker!”<br /> [crack of a whip]<br /> The other motherfuckers said, “We’ll bale the shit. Just keep that fucking shit away from me.”

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

Keep it real by being straight forward. Don't pull no punches on people. It's better to tell somebody than just lollygag around, letting them think they're living their life the right way. Because some people don't know what the hell they're doing, they don't know if they're living the right way or making the right decisions. Some people don't know that.

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then - one day - you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralysed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then - one day - you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.

I had a Jewish delivery; they knock you out with the first pain; they wake you up when the hairdresser shows.

Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

Here’s a guy who when he runs, he goes faster.