Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 264

Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

The government scares me. They're taking my picture at the stop sign. They're looking through my shoes at the airport. They're worried about gay people getting married, locking up potheads, having congressional investigations because of Janet Jackson's tit. You're better off committing murder or rape because those things you can get away with.

She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullshit number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!