Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 264

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

You've made a happy man very old.

You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like "Mom did you read this?"

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Yeah I've been booed before, but I'll be booed again.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?' 'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.' 'Great. We're under budget.'

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on dildos, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.