Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 264
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.
A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.
I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.