Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 270
You give a white kid some napkins and duck sauce, they'll make a bomb.
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'
But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.
They suck. It's like being in love with an alcoholic. It's like, you constantly defend her, and people are like, 'Dude, your alcoholic friend is a mess,' and you're like, 'Nah, you don't know her like I do.'
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.
I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.