Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 270
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and that is what needs to be nourished with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time, she's like, 'This looks like Birmingham, Alabama.' And I'm like, 'Shut up, Britney Spears.' And she's like, 'Quit calling me Britney Spears.' And I'm like, 'No one talks to The Rock like that, bitch!' Which is really funny because I don't have a girlfriend. That was just some lady on the bus - she did not smell what I was cooking.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.