Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 270
I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time, she's like, 'This looks like Birmingham, Alabama.' And I'm like, 'Shut up, Britney Spears.' And she's like, 'Quit calling me Britney Spears.' And I'm like, 'No one talks to The Rock like that, bitch!' Which is really funny because I don't have a girlfriend. That was just some lady on the bus - she did not smell what I was cooking.
Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.
I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”
I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.
Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.