Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 270
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Parents are trying to be friends with their kids rather than draw the line and tell them what proper public behavior would be.
Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!'
Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.
It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.
Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.
Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big fucking difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.
It's weird, when you buy a house you just suddenly become really conservative. Before, when I rented, I didn't give a shit if there was a homeless guy jerking off on the street. I thought it was funny. 'Look at that guy right outside my window! Who needs cable when that guys sitting there rubbin' one out? Look at the lady runnin'!' It was great. But once you buy... every fuckin' little thing. 'Ahhh there's a pothole down the street that needs to be covered!'
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the size of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"