Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 270

18,873 quotes

I consider myself a modern-day dad, where I still got rock'n'roll in me, but yet I take being a parent and relationships very seriously in life. I'm tired of the image of the father as a fat, beer-chugging, stupid guy. That image has to change. I'm changing it, baby, one city at a time.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.

Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?

Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

Yes I'm grown and sexy, and I'm worth the wait. Girls act like I'm the only dude on earth to date.

I host these bad movies late at night.

I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.

I started a big part of my career in Vegas.