Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 270
Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.
I consider myself a modern-day dad, where I still got rock'n'roll in me, but yet I take being a parent and relationships very seriously in life. I'm tired of the image of the father as a fat, beer-chugging, stupid guy. That image has to change. I'm changing it, baby, one city at a time.
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.
The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?
I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.