Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 271
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
Yes I'm grown and sexy, and I'm worth the wait. Girls act like I'm the only dude on earth to date.
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.
Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?
Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".
[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.
I've always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.