Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 271
Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He’s been speaking French for a while now, but he’s talking about doing his act in German. Haven’t the German people suffered enough?
I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.
Cell phones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them.
"You've gotten fat!" "Well you're fat too!" "I know I'm fat! I was fat in high school! I kept my figure, why couldn't you?"
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.
I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.
I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?
Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
'I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.
Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.