Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 271
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.
Nothing is going to stop Mike Tyson that doesn't have a motor attached.
I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy Fucking Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring a kid because it has a swear word in the title, and that's inappropriate.
Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.
My movies just kind of sneak up on you. I don't have to worry too much about what everybody is going to say. Anyway, I really don't pay attention to what the world says about my movies. I just care about what my buddies think.
The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.
Dude, I would have started throwing things at me right away. Right away. If I was nineteen years old and I was in the parking lot, or wherever I was, and I was putting whatever in my system, and I think Metallica's going on at 8 and some yo-yo goes up who's going to do comedy, I'm looking for everything I can to throw at him.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren’t included.