Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 271
Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.
White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."
When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.
All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.
I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
I consider myself a modern-day dad, where I still got rock'n'roll in me, but yet I take being a parent and relationships very seriously in life. I'm tired of the image of the father as a fat, beer-chugging, stupid guy. That image has to change. I'm changing it, baby, one city at a time.