Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 271
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
My brother got fired for coming late at a night job. How you oversleep 8:30?
You wonder why I only talk about my personal life. But that's all I've ever done.
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
Yes I'm grown and sexy, and I'm worth the wait. Girls act like I'm the only dude on earth to date.
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.
This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.
You know what I would do? I would remake The Wizard of Oz with Robin Williams, and that's it. Just let him do the whole dang thing by himself.
I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.
I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
Dude, I would have started throwing things at me right away. Right away. If I was nineteen years old and I was in the parking lot, or wherever I was, and I was putting whatever in my system, and I think Metallica's going on at 8 and some yo-yo goes up who's going to do comedy, I'm looking for everything I can to throw at him.