Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 271

One reason to keep going is that the country was given to us as a sacred charge. It is, as Stephen Vincent Benet says in 'the Devil and Daniel Webster,' not the only place that created free men - but its a place that demands that we decide what to do with out freedom. You can only punish yourself, That's the existential view. I don't think there's any reward beyond participating, beyond being here. And the antithesis of reward is punishment, and the only punishment that can come is self-inflicted. I remain optimistic. Whether or not the optimism is justified, I don't know. I want to stay around for the third act.

At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

Marriage is like, did you ever to a concert and you see a mosh pit and you're like, 'You know what I'm going to go get in that mosh pit.' But then once you get in it, you're like, 'I do not want to be in this mosh pit at all. I am going to leave and go get some beer.' And then the mosh pit's like, 'Didn't you drink last night?' All right mosh pit, why don't you get off my back and let me live my life?

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Yes I'm grown and sexy, and I'm worth the wait. Girls act like I'm the only dude on earth to date.

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul.

You saw “Titanic.” The band was playing as the ship went down. What Black band you know gonna keep playing with the damn ship goin’ down? Kool and the Gang would have been unplugging shit. “Man, let’s get the fuck out of here.”

I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. I invented that.

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.