Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 269
You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like "Home Improvement"? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It's your life; live it on your terms.
I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'
I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy Fucking Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring a kid because it has a swear word in the title, and that's inappropriate.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
My sister might be dumb, but that doesn't make her all that different from the rest of us. She's just like any other American. Except she's Canadian. And retarded.
You know what I would do? I would remake The Wizard of Oz with Robin Williams, and that's it. Just let him do the whole dang thing by himself.
This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.