Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 269

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

One reason to keep going is that the country was given to us as a sacred charge. It is, as Stephen Vincent Benet says in 'the Devil and Daniel Webster,' not the only place that created free men - but its a place that demands that we decide what to do with out freedom. You can only punish yourself, That's the existential view. I don't think there's any reward beyond participating, beyond being here. And the antithesis of reward is punishment, and the only punishment that can come is self-inflicted. I remain optimistic. Whether or not the optimism is justified, I don't know. I want to stay around for the third act.

I've always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.

Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I started a big part of my career in Vegas.

I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.

Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullshit number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'