Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 269
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Parents are trying to be friends with their kids rather than draw the line and tell them what proper public behavior would be.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. "I was here dammit!" Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. "Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone’s concerned this whole thing never happened."
Is milk good or bad?... I rest my case. You don't know. You don't know anymore, and a lot of you are sitting there thinking "Fuck, I'm an adult and I don't need to drink that shit anymore!"