Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 269

I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.

My brother got fired for coming late at a night job. How you oversleep 8:30?

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

Parents are trying to be friends with their kids rather than draw the line and tell them what proper public behavior would be.

Is milk good or bad?... I rest my case. You don't know. You don't know anymore, and a lot of you are sitting there thinking "Fuck, I'm an adult and I don't need to drink that shit anymore!"

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there’d be a lot less cello music, for example.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

Oh she tripped? No, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!

Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

I hate thin people; "Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?"

Abysmal vermin that I am, I couldn't of course tell her that it was her incredible mother that I wanted to see again… I knew only as I drove through the cold, night autumn air that somewhere Freud, Sophocles and Eugene O’Neill were laughing.