Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 269
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.
They suck. It's like being in love with an alcoholic. It's like, you constantly defend her, and people are like, 'Dude, your alcoholic friend is a mess,' and you're like, 'Nah, you don't know her like I do.'
I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.