Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 29

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

I'm against gun control. It's not that I like guns, it's just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other's heads off.

Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't.

There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous.

Graffiti. I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”

Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did I eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, I've got 3 cigarettes."

Make sure you don't smoke weed with dumb niggas because weed will make you smart. Aint nothin worse than a smart dumb nigga.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There... take time out to pick up your teeth.'

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

I got a brother who calls me Hollywood. Sisters kind of keep their distance. Even my mom is kind of like ahhh with me. Yeah dude, it really sucks. And I wish things were different. Unfortunately, they don't understand everything I go through on a day to day basis to be able to maintain what I'm doing.

I do love women. I don’t think they get enough sexual attention. Guys aren't as in touch with that until they've been married a couple of times. After my second divorce, I said, “Hey, I bet if I learned how to fuck really good I won’t have to give away everything I own every five fucking years!

I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.

I feel really grateful to have been part of what I considered a good TV show.