Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 29
I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.
So he says My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.
Today's sermon is taken from a magazine that I found... that I found in a hedge. This season's lipstick colours will be in the frosted pink area - and nails to match... and this reminds me rather of our lord Jesus. Because, surely, when Jesus rode into town on a donkey... he must have gotten tarted up a bit.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”
And I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me?
The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”