Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 29

Now, each baby is different, but this baby, whom we will call Hypothetical...

You can't blame the President for everything that's wrong with this country. That's like blaming Ronald McDonald if you get a bad cheeseburger.

I feel really grateful to have been part of what I considered a good TV show.

Now that's what I call high quality H2O.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.

I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.

I got a brother who calls me Hollywood. Sisters kind of keep their distance. Even my mom is kind of like ahhh with me. Yeah dude, it really sucks. And I wish things were different. Unfortunately, they don't understand everything I go through on a day to day basis to be able to maintain what I'm doing.

One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, "You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment?" And I thought about it, and I said, "You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter.

I do love women. I don’t think they get enough sexual attention. Guys aren't as in touch with that until they've been married a couple of times. After my second divorce, I said, “Hey, I bet if I learned how to fuck really good I won’t have to give away everything I own every five fucking years!

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There... take time out to pick up your teeth.'

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.