Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 29
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
Well, I’m an uncle now ... don’t know if I’m a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.
I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, 'Oh, it's fake.' But it's not about whether the guy wins or loses, it's about how he entertains you the whole time you're watching.
When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they’re back on the fucking job. My people I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that’s just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.
When I’m dating someone, I have a list called my ‘Oh No Nos.’ If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving ‘90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don’t even know who Ginuwine is.
Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
When my mother would make me sandwiches for school - zucchini and eggs, pepper and eggs, everything was with eggs - the oil would drip out of the bag. She didn't care if I lost the sandwich - she wanted that brown bag back. She used to give me artichoke sandwiches. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to sit in the schoolyard eating an artichoke with a piece of bread. A lot of kids didn't know what it was, they'd say, "Look at that guy eating flowers!"