Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 29
The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.
"I'm a gangsta, and gangstas don't ask questions." Yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster. "Hey, muthafucka, where's my money?" That's a question. "Do you want to die tonight?" That's a question too. "What? What?" That's two questions.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
For a black man, there's no difference between the North and the South. In the South, they don't mind how close I get, as long as I don't get too big. In the North, they don't mind how big I get, as long as I don't get too close.
I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.
So my eye doctor told me this. He said, “Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?” “No” “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you’d like to be self conscious for the rest of your life.”
Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.
I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.
No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.
Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables."
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, ‘Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.’ And every night, I make her return it. I say, ‘No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.’
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.
Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.