Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 30
I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up... First thing you're going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.
Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable.
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.
Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Revivals used to come to town. They would ask who wanted to be saved and I’d march right to the front. It was then I knew I was destined for a career in show business or at least alcoholism.
And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.
I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.