Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 30

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

I'm against gun control. It's not that I like guns, it's just that allowing Americans to have guns will increase the chances that a bunch of rednecks will blow each other's heads off.

Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable.

I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.

In reality, all men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives trying to create a masterpiece.

I got a brother who calls me Hollywood. Sisters kind of keep their distance. Even my mom is kind of like ahhh with me. Yeah dude, it really sucks. And I wish things were different. Unfortunately, they don't understand everything I go through on a day to day basis to be able to maintain what I'm doing.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.

I feel really grateful to have been part of what I considered a good TV show.

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.