Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 28

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

Now that's what I call high quality H2O.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.

I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.

Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did I eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, I've got 3 cigarettes."

If I need directions I'm not asking a man with one tooth, I'm asking a man with one leg. Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Yup, if there's a shortcut that one legged fucker knows where it is. You won't be hoppin fences neither.

One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, "You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment?" And I thought about it, and I said, "You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

Make sure you don't smoke weed with dumb niggas because weed will make you smart. Aint nothin worse than a smart dumb nigga.

Wasted is when you have a hankering for ice cream.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.