Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 28

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I'm not worried about Hell. I was married for two fucking years! Hell would be like Club Med!

People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

I knew it was a bad idea, but I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea but all that came out was well nigger sometimes you gotta race, I don't know.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

So my eye doctor told me this. He said, “Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?” “No” “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you’d like to be self conscious for the rest of your life.”

Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

Ever make fun of someone so much that you feel you should thank them for all the good times? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks "Lord of the Rings" is real. Together we call ourselves "the Unfuckables."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!