Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 290
I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.
Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!
It means everything. You don't want to go through your four years of high school with a certain team beating you four years in a row. You always want to show them you can come out on top in the end.
I'll get God his money when I see him. And if he asked me why I was holding onto it, I say, 'Well, there's a lot of false prophets on Earth. I didn't know who to give your money to, and I didn't want to give it to the wrong person and still owe you when I got up here. Ain't no sense in paying if I didn't make the list, 'cause I'm gonna need that money for cold water and an air conditioner.'