Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 290

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.

Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.

Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.

No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.