Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 290
For me, anything goes when I pick up a mike. I'm not trying to hurt people - I try not to get too personal - but I look at myself as a reporter. If you can report on anything that has to do with pop culture, then why can't I make jokes about it? Yes, it hurts. But I figure that laughter sometimes starts from pain. You might wince, but then I know that I'm doing my job. The only thing I can do wrong is not be funny.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
I went to Ethiopia, and it dawned on me that you can tell a starving, malnourished person because they've got a bloated belly and a bald head. And I realized that if you come through any American airport and see businessmen running through with bloated bellies and bald heads, that's malnutrition, too.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.
May your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be spooky-monster-scary and not grandma-died-scary.
Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.
There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?
I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.