Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 289

Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

It's Friday bitches! Lets get fucked up!

I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.

In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?

I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a blow job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me dole money?’

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.

That's why dogs are man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.