Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 289
If someone gives you a kazoo and toots around the house to MTV, they're not gonna fuck you.
Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, "Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy?" But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
I went to Ethiopia, and it dawned on me that you can tell a starving, malnourished person because they've got a bloated belly and a bald head. And I realized that if you come through any American airport and see businessmen running through with bloated bellies and bald heads, that's malnutrition, too.
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I'm doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I've 'let myself go.' I've gone. It's gone. It's not going, it's gone.
I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.
I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.