Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 289

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.

So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, "Hey, we're making money right now!"

I called them up, "Ya, I have ten boxes; can you come pick them up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth." "Okay, good-bye." So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth." "Okay, I don't know what the weight is, and um, I don't know what girth means... So now what's the procedure?" So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old. "Well do you have a bathroom scale?" "Uh, ya but if I put the box on the scale it's gonna cover up the numbers!" What, do I take it off really quick? Ah, zero: I'm not fast enough. What's he talking about? So then he gives me his Mister Wizard Formula, "How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself and get off the scale. Pick up the box, get back on, weigh you and the box together, and subtract your own weight." I'm going, "Slow down. Hold on professor." I know this guys never tried this, because I tried it and you still can't see the numbers! Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.

Life is tough, then you die.

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

The Ford Flex is a really, really cool car. You get inside and you have so much headroom and it's really comfortable to drive and it's real techy inside. You look at the screen and it's blue and you've got all kinds of controls. Everything is digital.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.

This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

I never would have thought being high in a zoo would lead to that.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.