Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 289

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there - you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.

I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

If it’s just the voice, then you can only do jokes. It’s not really even about the impression so much. It’s about the take and what you do with the person. I try to get a character across with the impression.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.

Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.