Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 291
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.
There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.
Hawaii is the best form of comfort for me. When I die, I want to be cremated, and I want half my ashes spread in the Pacific around the island, the rest on the property.
Parents are trying to be friends with their kids rather than draw the line and tell them what proper public behavior would be.
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'
When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?
Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.