Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 291
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."
I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
I bet in Trinidad a guy is taking a shower and writing a fucking song. "oh gosh, i gotta wash my ass. *in a sing song tone* i gotta wash my ass..wash my ass, right cheek, left cheek, in the crease, in the crease, in the crease"
Sometimes It feels like the world is just being mean, like when it’s windy out. I’ll just be walking down the street and it’s like the world saying to me "Hey, you like air? Yeah? Yeah? You need that to breathe? Here’s some fucking air right in your face, there you go. Breathe up, stupid."