Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 291

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.

There's a song out now called Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent. So when a man asks a woman Hey, baby! What's going on? The woman will say, The rent, motherfucker!

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"

I am a minimalist. I like saying the most with the least.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.

All television is an advertisement - that’s why it exists. It wasn’t the art-form first and then the commerce - it was that they could put on entertainment long enough to distract people into looking at products. It’s for focusing people on advertising and separating you from money in some way. Some people forget that. The side product is that we get some great eye candy. TV is the best it has ever been right now. I don’t have a problem with that since it’s what keep us employed.

I'll get God his money when I see him. And if he asked me why I was holding onto it, I say, 'Well, there's a lot of false prophets on Earth. I didn't know who to give your money to, and I didn't want to give it to the wrong person and still owe you when I got up here. Ain't no sense in paying if I didn't make the list, 'cause I'm gonna need that money for cold water and an air conditioner.'

Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."