Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 291
Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
[On marketing and commercials] HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... [cut to small granny in rockin chair] I like eggs the old fashioned way. [return to youth] "Fuck you granny!" [punch mimic]
It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
Making love… making love for… making love for two… making love for two minutes. When you’re with me, girl, you only need two minutes, because I’m so intense.
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.