Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 299
There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.
President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.
Making love… making love for… making love for two… making love for two minutes. When you’re with me, girl, you only need two minutes, because I’m so intense.
hy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.