Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 299

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.

It's Friday bitches! Lets get fucked up!

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

I went to Ethiopia, and it dawned on me that you can tell a starving, malnourished person because they've got a bloated belly and a bald head. And I realized that if you come through any American airport and see businessmen running through with bloated bellies and bald heads, that's malnutrition, too.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

My wife said: 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already'.

I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!