Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 299
There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child. 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap.'
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..
Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.
I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'
At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!
Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.