Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 299

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.

There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.