Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 299
If someone gives you a kazoo and toots around the house to MTV, they're not gonna fuck you.
My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.
I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. Hey what is this, a leather bar? Hey I'm not into this, you faggots, oh SHIT!
Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.
I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’
You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.
When you first start dating somebody everything they do for you is adorable… “Oh look he gave me a coupon for a hug! Isn’t that sweet!”<br /> When you are married that shit goes out the windows. There’s no homemade gifts in marriage. “Man, it is my birthday. Where is my stuff?... I want some jewelry. Every kiss begins with K jackass!”