Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 298
We're all a little bit hypocritical and we could all help people more than we do. You know you're sitting there watching TV, it's late at night. Then you hear: "For $9 a week, you could help this starving child." Everyone has the $9, but how do you not give it to them? You gotta rationalize it somehow. You just go, "Ehh that kid doesn't look that hungry to me. Shit he's got a bigger belly than I do. How you can you feed a kid for $9 a week, that's impossible! Shit a Low-Fat, Low Carb latte is $4.50. Whats that kid gonna do with 2 giant cups of coffee? I'm actually doing him a favor not giving him any money, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake and starving. You're welcome Haboopoo."
This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!
New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awww, look at it... like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.