Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 298

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it raining?" "Nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". Here's your sign!

Death is an acquired trait.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

I went out there, and she was playing some theater.

It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.