Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 298
If someone gives you a kazoo and toots around the house to MTV, they're not gonna fuck you.
hy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.