Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 298
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.
As far as standup, everybody has a vehicle they are driving. If what you do works, it’s like playing golf. If you can master that one swing over and over again, you will be successful. That’s what standup is. You have to have a central move and it has to be yours. You have to own your comedy, own what you do.
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.