Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 298
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
Here goes all these rumors writin' about me. I see on the paper, one of'em says "Martin tries to jump out of a plane using his jacket as a parachute." Now ain't that some bullshit! As I'm trying to get my life together, they're gonna write that bullshit. I know damn well you can't jump out no plane using your jacket as a parachute. Shit, I know you got to use your pants.
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.
This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.
I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.