Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 300
You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Just honest. To me, being 'politically incorrect' means the opposite of being political - which means to spin everything. That's all it's ever meant to me. It's never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."
I'll get God his money when I see him. And if he asked me why I was holding onto it, I say, 'Well, there's a lot of false prophets on Earth. I didn't know who to give your money to, and I didn't want to give it to the wrong person and still owe you when I got up here. Ain't no sense in paying if I didn't make the list, 'cause I'm gonna need that money for cold water and an air conditioner.'
God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...