Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 300

Making love… making love for… making love for two… making love for two minutes. When you’re with me, girl, you only need two minutes, because I’m so intense.

I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. And they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors... And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth... But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing..."

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.

I married a white guy. Honestly, I had to. My credit was fucked up.

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. "Oh look, oh look there's still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you've got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children."

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.