Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 300
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.
I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"