Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 300
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. "Oh look, oh look there's still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you've got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children."
My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.
Kim Kardashian is single again. Hey, great. Maybe that will give the NBA players something to do during the lockout.
I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.
There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.
Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.
They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'
Making love… making love for… making love for two… making love for two minutes. When you’re with me, girl, you only need two minutes, because I’m so intense.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.