Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 303
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.
People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.
She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."