Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 303
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
My mind was a mess back then as I drove across the country. I was driving to clear my head, and all I could do was obsess on my uncertain future. It's like you're at a crap game, and on your biggest roll, the dice go in slow motion. For months, you watch them spin and roll and bounce around, waiting for them to land so you know if you're a winner or a loser. Total limbo.
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.
People who are homeless, they're not all addicts. A lot of times, they're just people who, through something like losing their job or losing someone in their life, ended up on the streets. So much of our time is spent in cars that sometimes you need to look out of those windows. And you see that a dollar, 50 cents, whatever you have, may not mean much to you, but it means everything to people who are hungry and who are in need.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
I was a beer boy in a bodega, where I was responsible for keeping the beer cold in the freezer. It was the heyday of Olde English 40 ounces. I also sold fire extinguishers. I used to put my foot in the door when people opened it. I would do a demonstration with newspaper on their dining room table. One time, I had done so many damn demos that my extinguisher didn’t have enough fluid in it after I started the fire. I grabbed the tray, threw it outside in the grass and stomped the fire out. The person was yelling; and I got in my car, leaving all of my equipment, and got the hell up out of there.
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere and it didn’t. I wasn’t even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn’t good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what’s good in our lives, we will be all right.