Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 303

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. There's that story about how Eric Clapton saw Jimi Hendrix play, and he supposedly went home and cried because he could never be that good. I would never do anything that fruity, but I can relate to that. I wish I was as great as other guys, and that sucks. So I get the blues, and I self-medicate.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

Jerry Weintraub, the producer, might be a pain in the ass, but he really knows how to treat his actors.

Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.

If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Conservative concepts believe in little government - take care of yourself, and that makes men who invent things like the constitution! Liberal thought has big government - we’ll take care of you - and that creates boys and they create things like Occupy Wall Street! There’s a difference between the way men and boys behave.

I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.

Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

C'mon baby, lose the bra.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.