Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 303
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.
Instead of uniting America, we want to separate each other because, you know, Mexicans eat tacos and white people eat beef stroganoff and black people eat chicken. 'That makes us different.' No, that makes you hungry.
Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.
California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"
There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.
In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.