Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 303
In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.
I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.
You're looking good today Bret. Very hot…hotter than Jemaine . You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.
I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.
Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.
I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
You just did a whole read-through. The lie that brought us into war was that Iraq was a threat to us. Well, now it is a threat. Now it is a terrorist hotbed. The fiction is now reality. And now we have to deal with it. It was an attempt at a corporate takeover. This was about oil. It wasn't about human rights. It's not about human rights.