Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 304

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I went out there, and she was playing some theater.

Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.

If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.

You just did a whole read-through. The lie that brought us into war was that Iraq was a threat to us. Well, now it is a threat. Now it is a terrorist hotbed. The fiction is now reality. And now we have to deal with it. It was an attempt at a corporate takeover. This was about oil. It wasn't about human rights. It's not about human rights.