Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 304

It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.

I found a great new weed killer, but it stains the carpet.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

Last year I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year I got her Lasik surgery. Because she didn't need the glasses.

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.