Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 304
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.
There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?
This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.
Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!
All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.
I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.