Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 304

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

I married a white guy. Honestly, I had to. My credit was fucked up.

Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.

From now on, we`re home schooling you. Whatever we don`t know, you don`t know. When did the Korean War start? I don`t know, and neither do you!

Here goes all these rumors writin' about me. I see on the paper, one of'em says "Martin tries to jump out of a plane using his jacket as a parachute." Now ain't that some bullshit! As I'm trying to get my life together, they're gonna write that bullshit. I know damn well you can't jump out no plane using your jacket as a parachute. Shit, I know you got to use your pants.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Jerry Weintraub, the producer, might be a pain in the ass, but he really knows how to treat his actors.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.

I went out there, and she was playing some theater.