Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 302
People who are homeless, they're not all addicts. A lot of times, they're just people who, through something like losing their job or losing someone in their life, ended up on the streets. So much of our time is spent in cars that sometimes you need to look out of those windows. And you see that a dollar, 50 cents, whatever you have, may not mean much to you, but it means everything to people who are hungry and who are in need.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. There's that story about how Eric Clapton saw Jimi Hendrix play, and he supposedly went home and cried because he could never be that good. I would never do anything that fruity, but I can relate to that. I wish I was as great as other guys, and that sucks. So I get the blues, and I self-medicate.
I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.