Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 302
Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!
The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over - it’s over. No more confusion!
Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
My mind was a mess back then as I drove across the country. I was driving to clear my head, and all I could do was obsess on my uncertain future. It's like you're at a crap game, and on your biggest roll, the dice go in slow motion. For months, you watch them spin and roll and bounce around, waiting for them to land so you know if you're a winner or a loser. Total limbo.
So at the CES, there was a guy selling off this porno called Fuck My Dirty Shithole: The Movie. I bet you're thinking exactly what I was thinking … how did they make that book into a movie?
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
I had a job that people in this business would absolutely kill for on the sitcom I was on, I was working with one of my best friends. Laurie Metcalf was in the cast, really talented people on the Warner Brothers lot in LA. I was a supporting character making 35 grand a week, some weeks I'd have two lines. I had a job making 35 grand a week where I didn't have to take anything to work; I didn't have a briefcase or a piece of paper. I had ridiculously lame, easy jokes to memorize; like the jokes on that show would be I'd go to Norm MacDonald and say 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' and he'd say 'No, I'm not thinking of cheeseburgers,' then I'd make a face like 'oh, you got me' and then I'd walk out and then I'd get 35 grand on a Friday. So I had a convertible Mercedes, I was living in a four-thousand dollar a month condo on Willshire and Beverly Hills, I was healthy, I was thin, I had a tan. Even with that life, creatively I was empty inside, I couldn't stand it, after two years I had to get out of there, I was going crazy pulling the hairs out of my head.