Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 302
Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.
I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.
Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, 'Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.'
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.
I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. And they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors... And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth... But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing..."