Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 302
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks, sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand it. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
Ladies, I will fuck you with my second place chess trophy. I have a first place chess trophy but the second place has the bishop on top - and that is for you.
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy Fucking Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring a kid because it has a swear word in the title, and that's inappropriate.
I was a beer boy in a bodega, where I was responsible for keeping the beer cold in the freezer. It was the heyday of Olde English 40 ounces. I also sold fire extinguishers. I used to put my foot in the door when people opened it. I would do a demonstration with newspaper on their dining room table. One time, I had done so many damn demos that my extinguisher didn’t have enough fluid in it after I started the fire. I grabbed the tray, threw it outside in the grass and stomped the fire out. The person was yelling; and I got in my car, leaving all of my equipment, and got the hell up out of there.