Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 302

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Thank you for remembering me. I'm also happy to be accepting this trophy before I become incontinent.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

You might be a redneck if... you've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

This country has fuck-up fatigue. That's when someone fucks up so much, that when they fuck up again, people go, "Well, what do you expect? He's a fuck-up." And that's fucked up!

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

If you ask your congressman why, he'll say Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie. You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?