Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 305

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.

It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

You might be a redneck if... you've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

Conservative concepts believe in little government - take care of yourself, and that makes men who invent things like the constitution! Liberal thought has big government - we’ll take care of you - and that creates boys and they create things like Occupy Wall Street! There’s a difference between the way men and boys behave.

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"