Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 305
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag… We all know there’s no soy milk? Because there’s no soy titty, is there?
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.
I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.
Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.