Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 305

Thank you for remembering me. I'm also happy to be accepting this trophy before I become incontinent.

Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks. I have spent a lifetime coming to terms with this idea and I would say I am about 15 to 20 percent there….Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.

From now on, we`re home schooling you. Whatever we don`t know, you don`t know. When did the Korean War start? I don`t know, and neither do you!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?

You just did a whole read-through. The lie that brought us into war was that Iraq was a threat to us. Well, now it is a threat. Now it is a terrorist hotbed. The fiction is now reality. And now we have to deal with it. It was an attempt at a corporate takeover. This was about oil. It wasn't about human rights. It's not about human rights.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

You might be a redneck if... you've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.