Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 305
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
The only thing we can depend on in life is that everything changes. The seasons, our partners, what we want and need. We hold hands with out high school friends and swear to never lose touch, and then we do…. Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like "This is stupid..." But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like "Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!" It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network..."What are you watching?" "Uh, the Food Network..." "Well, why are you pants off?" "I like food...a lot."
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.