Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 305

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. "Oh look, oh look there's still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you've got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children."

It's been five years, we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but we've nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall right now, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!