Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 305
My parents just didn't like me. Till I was 9, my mother was trying to get an abortion. That sticks with you. That hurts. She said to her doctor, 'Is there any possible way to get rid of this thing?'
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I've come here tonight to San Jose, the only city in this nation smart enough to put its airport downtown where nobody cares.
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.
I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.
I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.
I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. And they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors... And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth... But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing..."