Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.
I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it raining?" "Nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". Here's your sign!
What can you say in America? Can I say Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.
If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, that's it! End of fucking list!
From now on, we`re home schooling you. Whatever we don`t know, you don`t know. When did the Korean War start? I don`t know, and neither do you!
No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.
People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.
If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.
Conservative concepts believe in little government - take care of yourself, and that makes men who invent things like the constitution! Liberal thought has big government - we’ll take care of you - and that creates boys and they create things like Occupy Wall Street! There’s a difference between the way men and boys behave.
You're looking good today Bret. Very hot…hotter than Jemaine . You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.