Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306
I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!
My parents didn't know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.
I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I'm doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I've 'let myself go.' I've gone. It's gone. It's not going, it's gone.
Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
If your wife says to you, "We need to talk," horse sh!t. Start a fire in your house, it's easier to deal with. Cause when your wife says to you, "We need to talk" it does not mean we need to talk, it means you need to sit there and listen while I tell you all the ways you've been fuckin' up! That's what that means. You ain't never gonna hear a man say, "We need to talk,"...Unless...He caught a disease while he was out fishing...
You try to pretend like you're paying attention to your family, but in the meantime, you're like "Grandma, can you pass the gravy? I'm open!"
Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?
I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!