Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, that's it! End of fucking list!
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"
Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.
I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?
The only thing we can depend on in life is that everything changes. The seasons, our partners, what we want and need. We hold hands with out high school friends and swear to never lose touch, and then we do…. Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being.
I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.
Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the fuck out of everybody!
I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.
For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.