Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306
I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.
Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"
I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day.
I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.
Just me onstage with a mike having an intimate relationship with the audience. I don't get nervous for that. I just get excited.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."
There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take.
What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
The only thing we can depend on in life is that everything changes. The seasons, our partners, what we want and need. We hold hands with out high school friends and swear to never lose touch, and then we do…. Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being.