Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306
We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."
The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing.
Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...