Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306

They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon.

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul.

As far as standup, everybody has a vehicle they are driving. If what you do works, it’s like playing golf. If you can master that one swing over and over again, you will be successful. That’s what standup is. You have to have a central move and it has to be yours. You have to own your comedy, own what you do.

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

I like living in L.A. One thing I don't like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I'm driving, and when I get bored, I go on the Internet on my Blackberry. So I'm gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they'll find my phone and be like, whoa, that's what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. It'll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was, indeed, in the film "Willow." A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was, indeed, in the film and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third "Willow"-related death this year.

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Don't buy the toys that make the noise!

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.