Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 306

Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.

C'mon baby, lose the bra.

She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

I found a great new weed killer, but it stains the carpet.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

This week Jamie Lynn Spears announced that she's pregnant. I think she should opt for adoption. I would never recommend abortion, unless you've got the punch card filled up, and the eighth one is free.

I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?

Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, 'Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too.'

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. "Oh look, oh look there's still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you've got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children."

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.

Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.