Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 309

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awww, look at it... like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.

The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

I married a white guy. Honestly, I had to. My credit was fucked up.

"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.