Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 309

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"

My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.

Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."

Happiness is overrated.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

I'm gonna put five of these where you sneeze.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.