Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 309

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

What can you say in America? Can I say Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.

Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.

New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

Happiness is overrated.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.'

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.

I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.