Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 309

People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."

There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me.

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

If God didn’t want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death.