Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 309
New Year's Eve never made sense to me because of the fear I suddenly had about the following minute.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.
I'd much rather have AIDS than a baby... They're not that different at all. They're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.
Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it raining?" "Nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". Here's your sign!
The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.