Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 308
You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..
We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, 'Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too.'
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.