Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 308

Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I even enjoy watching people make food. But you ever notice the Food Network is far more interesting when you're hungry? When you're full you're like "This is stupid..." But when you are hungry the Food Network's like porn. You're like "Oh yeah...whip it up baby! Make it for me!" It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network..."What are you watching?" "Uh, the Food Network..." "Well, why are you pants off?" "I like food...a lot."

Life is a four-letter word.

I come in the house soaking wet and am greeted by "Is it raining?" "Nope, decided to take the fish for a walk". Here's your sign!

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".

What can you say in America? Can I say Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.