Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 308
You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
It's been five years, we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but we've nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall right now, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.
There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.
I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.
Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.