Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 310

Gay pride's beautiful. If somebody needs to be expressing that, then it's a positive thing.

Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?

Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.

Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

Dee dee dee!

We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

What can you say in America? Can I say Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.