Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 310
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."
You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"
Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.
I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!