Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 310
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you're all wearing at home.
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
The only thing we can depend on in life is that everything changes. The seasons, our partners, what we want and need. We hold hands with out high school friends and swear to never lose touch, and then we do…. Change is the only constant. Your ability to navigate and tolerate change and its painful uncomfortableness directly correlates to your happiness and general well-being.
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.