Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 342
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.
A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.
There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'
You’re not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don’t shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!
?As a nigga, we are not prepared to turn down a free god damn drink. We don't give a fuck what it is like 'this is unleaded!? that's spicy than a mothafucka, nigga I like that!
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".