Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 342
When people didn't know me and I was doing stand-up. That's when I was most creative.
I know I'm in England because this morning, my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea! I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk! You have to drink tea - I've tasted the coffee!
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The good old days; it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day. No, youth is good. That's gone. You're fucked.
The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!
I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.
Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"
Hawaii is the best form of comfort for me. When I die, I want to be cremated, and I want half my ashes spread in the Pacific around the island, the rest on the property.
You can't be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.
Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.