Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 343

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!

Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

Let’s say a guy walks up wearing the goofiest shoes you’ve ever seen. Crocs maybe.

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.