Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 343
We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.
With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.
This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.
Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.
They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'
I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'
It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
You’re not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don’t shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!
My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.