Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 343

If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.

Credit-card debt and day trading-I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather III, just when I think out, they pull me back in.

Don't buy the toys that make the noise!

Here’s a synonym for procreation... fuck you.

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant. Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist but you lovely bitches and hos should know I'm trying to correct this.

I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.