Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 343
Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!
You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...
Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, 'Smoke some crack!' 'Get a hooker!' And then I go, 'Yea! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!'
Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
People say "history was written by the winners." No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.
Men don’t give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “What’s this kissing thing? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.”
A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
I hate when I go in for a handshake, I’m coming in traditional, I’m showing you my hand and the person comes back at me with like the fist thing and then I got to scramble, like upgrade, oh so we’re doing the fist. Okay like cause yours is new I go to do your thing. So I don’t do it, I just go like, paper covers rock bitch.
I do want children. I study dads more. I watch what they go through. I admire my father more than I ever did and my brother and my sister.