Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 343

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.

I am now half Asian. I have learned all the ancient teachings of Buddi.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission.

?As a nigga, we are not prepared to turn down a free god damn drink. We don't give a fuck what it is like 'this is unleaded!? that's spicy than a mothafucka, nigga I like that!

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

Even if you didn't see the movie, you'd see two words you'd never seen put together before - comedy and Muslim. Comedy is friendly - it's the least offensive word in our language.

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.