Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 341
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, I don't think this was good for anybody.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We're mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.
They have the x-ray area. I don't mind going through it, but I get tired of the businessmen who make way too big a deal out of their computers. 'Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don't know how you're going to handle this - my computer.' Oh, is he from the future? They've been around a while, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine.
You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don't say nothin' 'bout the money. 'Hi, how ya doin'? How's ya mama doing?' Man, how's my money doin'?
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.
But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!"
If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.
The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.