Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 341
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.
You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.
My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.'
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!
Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?!
The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to life your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’
You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.