Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 341

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

Happiness is fear-based.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.

The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Since the bus, a lot of people go to Florida who wouldn't if they had to hire a driver.

There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.

You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... husband!

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'

I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'

Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.