Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 353

You might be a redneck if you bring your dog to work with you.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.

Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, "If the shoe fits..." Never got a dinner!

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.