Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 353

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

I heard the other day of a man who paid a psychologist $50 to cure him of an inferiority complex – and later was fined $25 and costs for talking back to a traffic cop.

Would you buy a second-hand car from this man.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

Being a Jewish comic today is a lot different than it was years ago. In fact I changed my name from Dudy to David when I first started to make my name less ethnic. Years later, agents urged me to change my name to something shorter and less Jewish and I told them I had already done that.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

The NRA is not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.

Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.

Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.