Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 354
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, OK!
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.
You're finally old enough to go trick or treating by yourself, and then they gotta give you that talk. 'Alright, son, just go door to door and get the candy, that's all you gotta do. Just go get the candy. Knock on the door, go to the next house, get more candy, and it's all yours. Get to keep it all. Have fun, get lots of candy. Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to tell you, son - be careful 'cause the candy might have razor blades in it.' Oh my God, what a horrible thing to tell an 18-year-old...