Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 354

Have you ever done those Coca-Cola burps that come out of your nose and eyeballs? You think a burp looks bad! Someone's just thinking "Shit what's wrong with his head."

On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I was driving back from Delaware to New York. Don't bother.

You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... husband!

I do want children. I study dads more. I watch what they go through. I admire my father more than I ever did and my brother and my sister.

I don’t believe in premature ejaculation. If I come, it was right on time.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.