Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 354
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'
It's kind of a dream come true, because we've always loved these films. We've loved this character, and now we have the opportunity to not remake the movie, but to play these characters. It's like playing Hamlet.
Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, I don't think this was good for anybody.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.
Being a Jewish comic today is a lot different than it was years ago. In fact I changed my name from Dudy to David when I first started to make my name less ethnic. Years later, agents urged me to change my name to something shorter and less Jewish and I told them I had already done that.
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.