Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 352
It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.'
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
Ladies, you want your dishes done? Talk to your husband as if you were his male roommate. Come home from work and go “Hey, do the dishes dick!” and walk away.
People say "history was written by the winners." No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin' a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry." Here's your sign.