Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 352
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There’s no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.'
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
I like getting a massage, but it's hard to relax because the whole time, you're laying there for an hour with a stranger, naked, with your ass in the air - a lot of trust involved. You can't really concentrate because you just keep saying to yourself, 'Don't fart. Don't fart. Don't fart. No boners. No farts.'
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.
I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.