Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 352
I knew the minute I met my wife, I looked at her and said, 'Oh my God, that is the woman I'm going to spend the next four to seven years with.'
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.
According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.
I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Ladies, you want your dishes done? Talk to your husband as if you were his male roommate. Come home from work and go “Hey, do the dishes dick!” and walk away.
I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.
Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.
Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.
At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.