Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 352
Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And a giant spike in the suicide rate. My father had all the christmas joy sucked out of him by his cruel, vindictive mother because his drunken partying father sucked all the christmas joy out of her. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”
Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
Let’s say a guy walks up wearing the goofiest shoes you’ve ever seen. Crocs maybe.
High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...
According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.
You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
If you don't believe in yourself, then who will believe in you? The next man's way of getting there might not necessarily work for me, so I have to create my own ways of getting there.
Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it.
As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.