Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 352

18,873 quotes

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

She reminds me of Roseanne before she was discovered. Darlene has that same clear point of view and a very dry, take-charge kind of attitude.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

I don't understand why, in entertainment, the hours are as long as they are. It seems like everything takes forever, and no one can tell you why exactly.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.