Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 364

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...

I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of fucking Fat Club were by the pasties.

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

New York acts like it's a big melting pot, 'cause it's like all the different cultures, 'Oh, we all melt together.' And then you move here and you realize it's not a melting pot at all. It's actually a bunch of pots that want to live next to their own kinds of pots and not talk to other pots.

I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.