Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 364
Connecting with people is not hard. I love the interaction and the feedback after shows. It does take some time, but the fans appreciate it which makes it worth it.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.
Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.
Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., "That’s funny, to me you only look half Jewish." Never got a dinner!