Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 364
I don't understand why, in entertainment, the hours are as long as they are. It seems like everything takes forever, and no one can tell you why exactly.
My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!
I think if you steal well, you’re a genius. If you copy badly, you’re a hack.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.
The thing about stand-ups is you can't really get good unless you're failing in front of a large number of people. That makes stand-up comedy unique: you need a tremendous amount of reserve within you to take the rejection from the audience, and without it, you can't do anything.
He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.
You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.