Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 364

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

I got a new diaphragm - well, it's new to me.

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, "Adam - uh, don't kiss guys."

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."

And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again.

The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.