Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 365

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

I heard the other day of a man who paid a psychologist $50 to cure him of an inferiority complex – and later was fined $25 and costs for talking back to a traffic cop.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I got a new diaphragm - well, it's new to me.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.

For me, this was all or nothing. I left no room for anything else. That goal was just for my own push, my own self-esteem. The fear of not being a success in my life made me push even harder.

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Any issues my parents went through are very prominent in the movie, even though they enjoyed a happy relationship. The story actually started for me when my mom told me a few years ago that because she got a job, she never made it to the World's Fair in New York, and that's a missed opportunity that always stayed with her.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.