Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 365

Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

If I were a woman, I would walk into church and say, "father, I'm not a sinner, but I think my vagina may have been possessed by the devil".

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."

You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance...

And it was a huge emotional thing to leave the law and become unemployed - to be a student again.

I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.