Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 365
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.
I was raised half-Jewish and half-Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned… and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen.”
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.
Fuck that. If it's stupid, change it... If it's a dumb law, don't have it.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?