Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 365

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

I was driving back from Delaware to New York. Don't bother.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

Cause he's driving 200 miles an hour & he don't have the luxury having his wife sitting right there telling him how to drive.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. "Goodnight, baby." "Do you think we were together in a past life?" "Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed." "Don't you feel like we're soul..."

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.