Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 363

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

As far as guys who perform onstage, I love Chris Rock. I'm kind of jaded on everyone else.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

I got spotted in Greggs the bakers. The girl went: ‘We never get anyone off the telly in here.’ Which was a lie. Half of fucking Fat Club were by the pasties.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.

In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?'

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I don't think Hollywood was trying to do anything with me. In fact, they lost interest pretty quick. I think I got lucky, briefly, in the '90s, and it just so happened that those movies were the opportunities that came my way. Then it just kind of stopped.