Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 363
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
Bob Geldof…no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends.
I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.
That's a good time to sneak, four in the morning, 'cause anyone you run into, they're sneaking too.
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.