Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 39
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.
You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!