Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 39

Let go of the damn door! Sit your ass on the kerb, I will come around and let ya in!

You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.

You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Look, it's some cunt coming out of that cunt's cunt.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."