Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 39

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

We're Mexican not Mexican't!

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors.

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I have two daughters. I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, so almost every day, I have to drive them to school. And last year, while I was driving them to school, we ran out of gas in the carpool lane because my wife does not realize it's actually legal for women to purchase gasoline, so... But we run out of gas and people are honking the horn and having to back up and go around and the kids are mortified. So the next morning, when I took them, I made sure that tank was as full as it could possibly be, and I pull up to the front of the school, and they have these assistant teachers that help open the door. And I'm not even trying to be funny. I roll down the passenger window and yell out, "I've got gas this morning!"

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.