Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 39

You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."

I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors.