Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 39
Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.
I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.
Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…” The next week, I think, people are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn't work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.”
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."
For a day and a half, the National Guard was here, and they didn't go to work. Do you remember why? No bullets. I found it really hard to believe that that was the same crackerjack unit that Dan Quayle once belonged to.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
Guns don’t kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.
My teacher in the seventh grade told me that if I didn't fool around during class, I could have 15 minutes at the end of the day to do a comedy routine. Instead of bugging everybody, I'd figure out my routine. And at the end of the day, I'd get to perform in front of my entire class. I thought it was really smart of her. It's amazing how important that was.