Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 398

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, “YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?! YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET! MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!! I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!!”

But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and there were 1700 people.

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!

Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."

The white man gets all the best catchphrases!

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.

This year Heidi Fleiss will be opening the Stud Farm, her all-male brothel outside of Las Vegas. This is for women to find men. If you’re a guy looking for a guy, you still have to find it at the airport bathroom.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

They always say before you get married, take a good look at your wife's mother, because that's what she's going to look like and act like. And if that's the case, [singing] I'm fuuuuuuucked! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la I'm fucked.

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.