Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 398
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way!
I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.
You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash; they all flock around you. Strippers are just pigeons with tits. They go where the bread is.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.
Making people laugh is giving, and it's healing, too, when people can go up to the movies and forget about their problems. It's a good thing. That's why I want to work.
I don't ever want to be Number One because once you become Number One, you start to change.
My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.
Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.