Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 398
Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.
Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.
Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?
I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!
My standup has always been a direct reflection of my life. When I was single, I talked about single stuff. I talked about dating. When I got married there were only a handful of stories I could move over to where I wasn't going to be disrespectful to my wife. So I developed a new routine.
Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.