Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 397
I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.
80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said "Yes! Oh God, Yes!"
Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.
All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!
How do you 'accidentally' shoot a nigga in the chest six times? 'Well, my gun fell and just went crazy!'
It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.
You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.
I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'