Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 397
If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
I live in racist America and I'm uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can't do much better than that.
Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.
Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won't take anything on faith?
The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this.
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.
I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
On the Wizard of Oz Lion's lookin' for some courage... Tin Man's lookin' for a heart... ain't none of them lookin' for some pussy, and they skippin' down the street with a bitch!