Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 399

We constantly stress defense and that was the difference.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

I think it started when she said she's happier without me. I can't really blame her 'cause I'm happier without me!

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

Making people laugh is giving, and it's healing, too, when people can go up to the movies and forget about their problems. It's a good thing. That's why I want to work.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

I was an actor before becoming a comedian.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.