Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 399

First of all, none of the kids knew what I was, because they'd ask 'what are you, a sub?' Sub is prefix for below. They'd all say sub, sub. I didn't know if I was a ship, a sandwich...

This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in it!

I hate the fuckin' gall of these countries, that come to us, a week after the war, and go, "Hey. Can you help us out? Our cities are all fucked up, our highways are destroyed, our economy's shit, the people are wounded, they're outta work..." Yeah, that's basically what we wanted to do to you... And that's what we wouldn't have had to do to you if you'd just pulled your fuckin' troops out of Kuwait, instead of setting those 700 oil wells on fire, and dumpin' oil in the ocean and poisoning the fish. So fuck you; eat your poisoned fish, breathe your black air, and kiss my American ass!

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

I was an actor before becoming a comedian.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.

The presence of excessive wealth puts an unnatural spin on the appreciation of art.