Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 399
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.
I want to do movies that I'm proud of where my kids, at some point, can see and I can feel comfortable sitting there watching it with them. And just that move people. That make people feel a little bit better about themselves when they leave the theatre.
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.
My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what - news flash, guys - a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual and celebrate the unique-osity of that person. And no - I didn't fucking score!
Holy shit, everything comes from China nowadays. Do we make anything in America besides porn and autistic kids anymore?
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.