Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 399

It’s a show that I hope feels intimate in theme, but bigger in presentation. I love Tim Minchin, Bill Bailey and Hans Teeuwen and I’m trying to synthesise elements of theatre into my show a little bit more. I want it to be surprising and rich and fun to watch, and maybe a little confusing. It’ll be very loud and very quiet and very sad and very happy, with things that have you leaving the theatre going, "what..." And not "what" with a question mark; just "what", period.

Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.

If I had to give up everything else and keep just one aspect of the job, I'd have to keep writing because I love it. Yes, I enjoy performing, too. But I couldn't give up writing material.

When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

Making people laugh is giving, and it's healing, too, when people can go up to the movies and forget about their problems. It's a good thing. That's why I want to work.

An elephant never forgets, so my dick remembers everything.

I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.

I recently found out about this other super movie star. He only works from about 11:00 to 4:00, so all his movies take like 120 days. But this was a lot of stuff to do in 35 days.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.

My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.