Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 41
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., "it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C'mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I'm like, I'm just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says 'One Cock at a Time.'
They never want to hang out with us. You're like, 'Come on y'all, let's go hang out.' They're like, 'No, you know, we can't hang out. You know, we're going to stay here with the kids tonight. Yeah, you know, they're a lot of work, but they're worth it. Maybe next week we can go hang out or something - What? Oh, you're going on vacation next week. Well isn't that nice? That's just nice. Where you going, where you going? Jamaica! Wooo! Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, you know, we started to go last year, but Bobby needed braces. Yeah - Bobby, smile and show them Jamaica, baby, go ahead - see? We're right on the beach.'
When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does! What can you do that's longer?
When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they’re back on the fucking job. My people I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that’s just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”
Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.
What is it with the animals with the bikes? I took my daughter to the circus. She said: "Daddy, how do they teach a bear how to ride a bike?" I said: It's easy, they nail his feet to the pedals and they beat the shit out of him. He's not riding, he's running. He just happens to be attached to the bike.
I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…” The next week, I think, people are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn't work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.”
Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it!
Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abraham Lincoln lookin' motherfucker.
I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
I think we should legalize marijuana in this country… so potheads don’t have anything to talk about anymore. Grow up and do coke like an adult!
I don't like when people say, 'I'll pray for you. I'm going to pray for you. Praying for you.' You're going to pray for me? So you're going to sit at home and do nothing? 'Cause that's what your prayers are; you doing nothing while I struggle with a situation. Don't pray for me - make me a sandwich or something.