Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 45
White people can't dance. I'm not being racist it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, What are those niggers doing in here? They watchin' y'all dance. And thy're like, Look at these crazy muthafuckas. Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
Here it goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yeild at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.
You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fishin'."
You give me 5 Bloods, 5 Crips 4 Mexicans and 3 rednecks, this shit would have been over. Niggas and Mexicans, we go over there and steal all the tracks off their tanks, them tanks will be on bricks. We come back home like "Who want some tank tracks?". And y'all know rednecks love hunting , a redneck you give that nigga rifle with a scope he can hit a fly off a deer's ear from 500 yards. They don't fuck around and they all have a hunting dog named Petey, you know them pointer motherfuckers. You drop them in Afghanistan Petey gonna point at the right cave "Mofucker in there, motherfucker in there!! I smell him!!".
We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.
While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and in the middle was my car; the rental car. The Plymouth Horizon. Here's a math problem for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what period of time, to be on the street and go, "Well, I gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me? I've never driven a car that's aqua!"
I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, I go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by...Oh m God! Were you on the ground? I said "Nope, Santa was making one last run..."