Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 45
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters…"
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
Here it goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yeild at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
I had a friend whose gotten so many DUIs that he had to go to jail for a year. Now, his only concern was getting raped. For the entire year, he didn't take a shower.
You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fishin'."
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, youd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler - a mafia wife.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.
One of his favorite racist jokes he can't tell anymore, because too many people didn't get it. It starts with him confessing that he's used the term "sand nigger," then adding that he's never said it about someone from the Middle East. "When I use it," he says, "it's 'Get off the sand, nigger, volleyball is a white man's game!'"
I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence. The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, I go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by...Oh m God! Were you on the ground? I said "Nope, Santa was making one last run..."