Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 441

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act.

Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.

If it's all white, it's all right!

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

My mother was supportive without knowing it. Deep down she wanted all the right things, she just didn't see the world like I did, and she's not supposed to.

Dog Park was a blast. I love Bruce McCulloch. That was a case of the studio taking the cut away from the director, and it went from being a great movie to a shitty movie. Bruce's original cut that I saw was hilarious.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this in the White House’?

I'd be like, 'Lady, get the hell away from me! You're old, you're gross... I'm sorry. I'm sure you were unbelievable back in the 20's, when you were doing the Charleston, making beer in your bathtub, but you're at least four decades past humpable. I'm sorry.'

If I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, a pretty lady, I'll yell, 'Homo!' She can't get pissed, and I still get the pleasure of yelling at her.

Great Canadian comics are often outsiders and insiders at the same time. That's a great perspective for a comedian.