Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 441

Words like "kiosk", that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage… 'cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say: "If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.'

It's impossible for me to hear the words "quadruple murder suicide" without thinking of my grandparents.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.

Ain't nothin worse then a smart dumb nigga.

I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I've done a lot of stuff. I don't know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I'll tell you, he wasn't bad.

No one cares, no one sympathsizes, you just stay home and play synthisizers.

Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He had written the note on the back of his parole card.

Great Canadian comics are often outsiders and insiders at the same time. That's a great perspective for a comedian.