Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 441

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"

It’s about something that strikes you as funny but I do it with a Christian world view: why we think the way we do based on God’s plan. I lift up my God and my country and I resist political correctness.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself.

Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.

Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."