Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 441
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'
The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."
Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink - a zombie!
The TV news people keep saying that this could be the greatest Christmas we ever had. I kind of thought the first one was.
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
You might be a redneck if your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!
...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
In comedy, looking back is more important than looking around at your contemporaries because they are too much influenced by the same time period as you are.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.